There were not many things that James liked more than sleep. In fact there were three things he did like more: Rachel, his kids, and bacon and eggs on sunday morning.Something he did not enjoy more than sleep was when students came down past about eight at night.He only had to stay until ten but those last two hours were his, For sleeping, but not tonight.
Caleb had left his room for the third night in a row, muttering a quick apology to Maura before escaping. He needed to go somewhere where there was space. But everywhere seemed too small, too crowded. Maybe it was the fact that his mind kept roaming.
He needed to talk to a counselor?
Since when? Since when did the school care about his personal life?
Rounding a corner, Caleb saw the room he'd been looking for and swallowed. For all he knew, he might be walking towards his death sentence.
Still, he raised his hand and knocked on the door to James' office.
It was late. James had decided he was too tired to drive home and had settled on crashing on his couch. Not the first time, it happened. But then there was a knock. Goddammit. He opened the door a minute later.
“Caleb?”
He felt his throat tighten the moment the door opened. His breaths became ragged, and he thought briefly on faking a serious emergency then and there to explain his showing up at James' door.
"Y-Yeah... I..sorry. I just..." He trailed off, gripping the door frame for support.
James sighed and looked at his watch, and then at Caleb “Come on,” He said, and tugged the boy into his office, gently shoving him onto the couch and handing him a water bottle “Are you alright? Is Maura alright? I should have asked that first... but are you alright? I heard what happened...”
"I, umm..." Caleb ran a hand over his face, leaning forwar to rest his elbows on his knees. Was he alright? He truly didn't know anymore. There wasn't anything James could necessarily do for him. No medicine he had would stop all the thoughts slamming into Caleb's skull with the force of a freight train."I... I just need. I need to talk."
“Of course” James nodded and took a drink of water “What’s on your mind? I know today couldn’t have been easy on you, but, Caleb... I know you’re innocent, and I’m certain everyone else does too.”
Caleb shook his head almost violently. The thought bounced around, zinging, lighting up and fading behind his closed eyelids, "I don't want to talk about that. I'm tired of talking about that... So...tired. I don't... I c-can't think about that anymore. I-I need to talk... How much has Maura told you about me? About my... What's happened to me?"
“She told me the cops talk to her about you, and that you found him. I... I’m really sorry you did Caleb, you have to deal with enough already.” James said and put a hand on his shoulder in a dad way not an awkward way and nodded.
Caleb shook his head again, "no, not... James not That. I don't... When I found Benjamin dead, the only thing I could think of was... Was my father."
James nodded “Right” he ran his hands through his hair and cleared his throat “I didn’t know that... Do you wannna uh... like talk about it??”
Did he? Caleb licked his lips and tugged at the collar of his shirt. It was too tight suddenly. He could feel it rubbing against his skin. The fabric was itchier than normal… it wasn’t right.
“I don’t… I don’t know. They said I have to talk to someone. But I don’t want to talk to anyone.” He didn’t. Not even Jax and Maura knew every minute detail. There were certain things that couldn’t be spoken of. Not without sending Caleb over the edge.
He nodded “I understand. Is there anything you do want to talk about? Anything at all? I’m not a counseler here but I can still say that you’re talking to someone..”
Caleb wrinkled his nose and scratched at his arm, “I, uh… if you asked… it’d be easier, easier for me to ask questions.” he had to force the response out of his mouth. The words felt heavy on his tongue, weighing him down.
James nodded “Like anything? any sort of questions? Is there a topic you have in mind?”
“Well, d-don’t ask me about.. about, like… obscure things like my favorite candy growing up. I don’t remember small things like that. Not much anymore, anyway.” Caleb realized that he was sort of rambling. He kept his eyes on his knees.
“um...” James ran his hand through his hair again, it wasn’t exactly new to him, people coming to him for help, but now it was... it was different. Caleb was different. he wasn’t Presley. “Who’s your favorite baseball team?”
“Yankees.” Caleb answered immediately, “they were my dad’s favorite team. He always dreamed of announcing for them someday. He announced for the Braves instead.
James nodded “Why the Yankees? are you from New york? or is it just because your old man liked them?”
No one had ever asked him that question before. Any time he’d told anyone else, they’d just nodded their head and smiled… occasionally made a passing remark that the Cardinals were far better, “I.. I don’t know. Dad always liked them and so I just… yeah.”
“Have you ever seen them play? Like.. Not on tv?” James asked, still watching Caleb carefully.
“Yeah.” Caleb responded simply, “they’re a pretty good team, I guess. Nothing terribly spectacular. But they’re worth watching.”
James nodded again, and chewed on his lip. “What about other sports? Do you like any other teams? Football or soccer?”
“Not really a big fan of either, really. They’re too.. rough. Baseball is all between you and the ball. Not between you and, well, other players’.” Caleb laughed slightly at himself.
“Then who’s your favorite player? Yankees or otherwise?”
“Um… I don’t really have a favorite player?” Caleb answered, unsure of himself. He didn’t like this. The only thing he was confident in was beginning to be hazy.
“There’s a lot of good players out there, My favorite is Ortiz, personally, but you know.. You don’t have to have a favorite player.” James thought a moment while chewing on his thumbnail “Right this second, what’s your favorite thing?”
“Maura.” Caleb fired off without thinking. A bright blush bloomed across his cheeks and crept down his neck. “I.. I mean. Umm..” there was no way to fix it; he clamped his mouth shut, fully prepared for James to throw him out of the room… or the country.
He of course, couldn’t help but smile “Well..” he looked at his hands and laughed “That’s good. I’m glad.. What about your favorite class here You’re a communications student, right?”
“Yeah. Um, I’m taking an advert managing class right now, and I enjoy that one. Just because we get to make advertisements for companies or promotions. Last semester, though, I got to intern at the hospital with the kids, and I liked that a lot better. That’s what I want to do… well. Kind of. I want to have a children’s hospital sports league…”
“I can set you up something at the hospital for this summer, or longer if you end up sticking around. I’m only there three days a week, but on those three days we’re short staffed on people in a few of the kids wards... If you wanted, I’d be more than happy to get you a job there” James said, rubbing his hands together because idk im fucking cold so so is this loser (so so i hate english)
“I.. thank you. I think I’ll be around. I think.” He said, feeling his chest tighten up on him again, “I mean I want to be, obviously. I don’t wanna be away from Jax and M.. Maura. They’re the only people I really have and I’m not exactly looking forward to letting go.”
James nodded for the 342nd time that evening and stood to turn the damn heat on and then sat back down “Do what you need to do, Caleb. I didn’t start college until I was nineteen, and it turned out alright for me. Gap years are good. It takes a lot of stress off.”
“I haven’t even considered gap years. Dad would have wanted me to take one of the Baseball scholarship offers and go to college immediately out of high school.”
“Is that what you want to do?” James leaned forward, elbows on his knees and put his chin in his hand
“I… want to do what would have made my dad proud.” Caleb faltered slightly, his voice cracking on one too many words.
“I think your dad would be proud if you followed your dreams, not his, Caleb”
“Someone has to live out his dreams. Since he can’t. Besides, I never really had my own dreams. There are ideas but… I’m not the person to get them done. I’m a kid who can’t even talk to adults without melting down. I can’t be in a room with more than five people. College will suck because the class sizes are large and large crowds make me feel like I can’t breath. And I can’t really make decisions due to my constant fear of making others upset.”
“Then don’t go to college. Caleb, you can’t live out your Father’s dreams. That’s not your responsibility. You need to do what’s best for you.” James leaned back and rolled his shoulders. “If you want to work with kids in a hospital, and do sports with them... That would make a lot of little kids really really happy”
“Yes, but you have to go to college to get a job in a Hospital. And I want a job so that I can support a family. I want to be a father, I want to be a good husband… I have to get a job in order to do that.”
“Online school. You can get a nursing degree somewhere local and do Business online. Be done in three or four years and you’ll already be working at the hospital by then.”
Caleb nodded, rubbing his hands together, “I also want to prove to myself that I can actually do something.”
“I know you can, Caleb. You’re not a quitter.”
“I give up a lot, though.” Caleb admitted. He stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets and walked around the small space.
“Everyone does, Caleb. It’s a part of growing up.” James said, watching Caleb wander the room
Caleb leaned against the wall at the other side of the room, hand reaching out to touch the corner of a cabinet. He ran his fingers over the sharp edge, “I mean. Growing up has never sucked so bad.”
(LOUD SIGH ABOUT INTERNET)
(
)
James nodded “Yeah. It’s... it’s rough. I mean.. I would love to say it gets better, and it does, but not quite yet. If you take a year off though... It’ll get better for awhile. You’ll be able to deal with more once that year is over.”
He nodded, “Can you be not Maura’s dad for a second?”
“Of course. Dad-ness is off”
“Really? Because I don’t want to be, like, forbidden from ever seeing your daughter again. I’m not sure if you know this, but I really, really, really am quite fond of her.”
“well, Caleb, Even if I didn’t want her to see you... I don’t really think she’d listen. And I know what it’s like to be all young and in love with hearts in your eyes, especially when you’re going through a lot. So no judgements. You can still date my daughter when this conversation is over.”
“Okay,” Caleb sat, rubbing his hands together. Talking about Maura was hard. Talking about Maura’s dad felt like a death sentence. But at this point, Caleb felt the need to talk pounding into him, “Sometimes Maura makes it harder.”
“Harder how?”
“Harder for me to make decisions. Because I want her to be happy, too. And I want to be near her, too. And so it just all ends up being a shit storm of trying to make everything completely perfect.”
He nods “Don’t try to make her happy. Maura loves you. A lot. So if you’re happy, I know she’ll be even more happy. Don’t try to make things perfect. I tried to do that with Rachel, you know, And it didn’t turn out well. I mean in the end it was alright, we got married and what not, but for awhile, I was always trying to make everything perfect. Every date because I messed up big time and you know, It didn’t help. When I finally stopped.. it didn’t get better right away, but it got easier. Maura is pretty independant, even if she is rather clingy. Don’t worry about making her happy for awhile. Make you happy”
Caleb nodded, “right. I think that it’s… well… more of a subconscious thing. Maura’s like that other part of my life that I can’t leave behind. Or I guess she’s more like the other half of me that I can’t leave behind.”
“She is happy now, Caleb. Worried about you, certainly, but happy. You need to worry about you, for a bit. I think you should take a gap year. Give yourself time to think. And teach yourself to be happy”
Caleb nodded and just stared at James, cocking his head to the side, “James,” he paused, rubbing his hands together, “How can I get…” he trailed off, dropping his eyes.
“Get what?” James asked, putting his feet up on his desk
“Help.”
James lets his feet slide off the desk and leans forward to look at Caleb, “You just have to ask, Caleb. And you have to be willing to try. You’re seeing someone right now, aren’t you? a therapist or someone?”
“N-No… Not really.” Caleb’s hands shook and he stuffed them between his legs.
“I can take you to someone, if you’d like. A psychiatrist, I think, would be more helpful for you. You’d need to be honest, though. They can’t help unless you tell them what’s going on. And they won’t tell anyone what you say. Ever. But you have to tell them. I promise I’ll take you if you can promise to be 100% honest when talking to whoever it is I find”
“I’m not really good at talking to adults…” Caleb sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. It was late. James probably needed to sleep.
“Neither am I.”
“I’ll think about it… I should probably let you sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough. But, I mean, thank you, James.”
“Caleb, if you still want to talk, you can. I’m off work tomorrow so I can sleep all day.”
Caleb shook his head, “M-I mean, I should probably get back to my bed. You know. Would hate to keep it waiting.”
James nods “Alright, well, sleep well, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I’m normally here or the hospital, and I always have my phone. Maura has my number and such”
Caleb smiled and nodded. He hesitated a moment, one hand on the doorknob, “James,” he questioned one last time. But he didn’t finish the question. Instead, he crossed the short distance between the two and wrapped his arms around James’ neck in a short embrace. It was the first time he’d hugged someone who wasn’t Maura in a while… it was the first time he’d actually admired someone enough to show any physical sign of affection.
James, being James, patted Caleb on the back once before shooing him, with some sort of pass of course, Caleb had had enough trouble of late and James didn’t want him in anymore, if possible.
